Nightly reflections - Poem Edition #1

The silence is deafning
When self doubt walks in
Stepping on hope
Toes
On the
Tipping point of insanity
And sadness
Anxiety
and
Ego
All nonexistence is reality
Still
Leave minds in foggy conditions
Near the habor of thought

Dealing with Depression: Good Days vs Bad days

Photo by Me! 

Hello Guys! I know it has been a long time. Mostly because I am focusing on Heavy on Fashion more and more everyday. I realized that Just Malanb will most likely become more of my online journal talking about my depression, my weight loss goals, food, and trying to accomplish my goals.

Today, I want to talk about having depression & PTSD and how it is affecting me in my professional and personal life.  Depression is a weird fucked up exhausting disease. It makes you numb and tired. It is paralyzing from an emotional and physical standpoint. You don't want to do anything despite the fact that you know you should. That obligation to live your life to the fullest is lost in the fog of sadness. 

In few months, my depression has been under control until yesterday. Yesterday was a very bad day. I was scheduled to attend a few events and I couldn't leave my apartment. I was mentally drained.  I was anxious, paranoid, and angry all at the same time with out any reason to be. I am finding it harder these days to rebound from my bad days and launch myself into a good day. I will say that I been more stressed out over life for no reason. Blame that on the Anxiety.

I also have to blame myself. For some reason I allow other people's problems engulf my inner peace and disrupt my world. I realized that with my current mental condition, I can not allow these problems and the people attached to them into my life. I found that mentality it is harder for me not to internalize everything. Internalizing everything leads to bad thoughts (depression), paranoia and constantly having my emotions on high alert, and anxious at the same time. It is a clutter fuckery of emotions.

I also need to do some serious self care again. I have to admit, I been over extending myself to causes and people that where not really worth my time. Only after a month of making a few changes that I finally realize this. Taking time for myself to do something wonderful, positive, productive and enjoyable for myself is now the only thing I can help me to have my good days outweigh my bad days. Dealing with depression is full of good days and bad days. Sometime the light is on and bright. Other days the light is off, it is dark and cold.


So while I am bumping the Kanye West Station on Pandora while writing this, I realized that sometimes I will have Bad days. Bad days will never be great but how else will I know when I am having a good day.

Without those bad days, how else can I improve and be a better Good Day me.

Until Next Time,
Just Be True and You

Just Malanb

Relaunch, Renew, Restore Just Malanb

Hello all my JMB Mavens. I am back for the brand new relaunch of Just Malanb. Just Malanb is a full somewhat intense look at my weight loss  journey, my life with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, and other personal events in my life. So lets start at the beginning. Why did I start Just Malanb?

For a long time and many therapy sessions, I was told to journal my thoughts, so why not do it online and get a look on how I am moving towards my goals in my personal life and hopefully help others dealing with these problems too. I am going to talk about my goal to reach 145 pound, living with PTSD and depression, and a look at my real life. I will have photos of just about everything, my food, my life out with the hubby, fitness and nutition, and more! 

Stay Tuned!

Until Next Time

Just Be You

Malanb

New JMB coming June 1st 2014

Hello all my fitness mavens! I am so happy to announce I am relaunching Just Malanb. On the New and Improved JMB (Just Malanb), I will talk about my weight loss journey, my life living with PTSD aniexty, and depression, and personal aspects of my life. On JMB, I will focus on health in the mind, body, and soul! I can not wait to bring you JMB(Just MalanB) 

While I work on a new look and feel to Just malanb a.k.a JMB, Head over to JMB sister site Heavy on Fashion at http://heavyonfashion.blogspot.com/ for the latest in fashion, beauty, and life while mainaining your budget! 

Good days and bad days

Having depression, aniexty, and PSTD is full of good days and bad days. Most days I am fine. Going through life like everyone else. Others days are not so good. In the past it was more like a emotional rollercoaster.  When I was good, I was soaring but when I depressed or anxious, all my worries, doubts, and fears rush in like a tidal wave over my senses. In the past, I would run to food and eat all my anger and pain away. (Well that really didn't work too well)  Emotional eating made me a wreck but sadly it became my weapon of choice.  After many years it was my only way of coping with this fury in me. 

 Today, I can not do that. I can't gorge on food. I am no longer looking to food as my refuge from my pain or depression.  Most of the time it was one of the main factors why I was freaking the fuck out. 

Being healthier when it comes to food is making me face my issues. Not really a fun thing to do but it is better to face what making me sad than repeating my old emotional eating cycle.

I know this topic is a bit heavy but This is Just Malanb. It not just about some cool places I attended personally or how many pounds I lost but about what I am learning in this story called life. 

That includes my Good days and my bad. 

Until Next Time

Just Be You

Malanb

2013 - A year of action

For a while I been discussing my plans to lose weight. Each time I would declare that today I will eat healthier, get some exercise, and get back to my high school weight. Each time I would procrastinate or talk myself out of being the best me that I know that I can be. 

Well I am happy to announce that today I have taken the first step to being a healthier and happier me. I went to the gym. Shout out to planet fitness in Eatontown, NJ btw. I have to say that I really enjoyed it. I didn't feel nervous or scared. I felt good and comfortable which is wonderful especially since I have PTSD and depression. I gained a sense of accomplishment after my workout. Tomorrow will be Day 2, I can't wait to workout even though I know that I will be sore in the morning.

Today, I was determined to achieve my goal of a healthier me and I am on my way. 

2013 is a year of action. 

So what is your plan for 2013? Will this be your year of action?

Day 1 - Living a healthier and happier life!

 So I have decided to start focusing on my  my mind, body, and career. 

For My Mind: For over 10 years I suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Anxiety, and Depression. I was going to therapy but I had stop due to financially and personal reasons. Well the good news is that I am back in therapy. With help from my new therapist, I am finding new ways to great through my emotional issues. 

For my Body: I been obese for a while now.  I am aware that my current weight is not good for my health especially with my asthma and allergies. So I am determined and motivated to Live a Healthier Lifestyle. This is not going to be easy for me but Today is the day. Watching how much I eat is key to being a healthier me. I am also starting to be more active in my life. I am starting off today with yoga. Right now I am using Yoga: Just My Size With Megan Garcia. I hope to join a yoga class in the near future.  Practicing yoga, walking, and engaging in new types of activities will help me reach my goal of being a healthier person. 

For my Career: I am a freelance writer and a full time blogger. I usually work from home but it is very hard for me to stay focus on my work when I worrying about what I need to do around the house or receiving calls, emails, and messages while I am working. So starting Monday, the public Library is my new best friend. 5 days week, I will have my nose in my laptop, books, and everything that will help me build my brand and my business.  So I am happy to announce that you will see more from my blogs Heavy on Fashion, Milan Malan Word on The Street, My YouTube channel and of course Just MalanB. I am finally focusing on developing my name, my brand, and my career! 

I am happy that you all will be joining me on this journey to living a healthier and happier life.