Just Malanb - My student loans are killing me

I am a part of the student loan debt generation. My debt right now is about $68,000! Yeah about $38,000 in federal loans and the rest in private loans. I am at a job that barely pays me 31,000 a year. I am trying to transition to a job that will not only make me happier but help me build wealth.

I have to phone bill( I have Metro PCS! No iPhone or samsung galaxy), commuters cost ( a bus pass, a metro card who has charged me twice on several occasions), a water bill, a gas bill, cable (yes, I need cable in order to have the Internet to work on my blogs, look for a better job, sell some of my clothes to make ends meet, my husbands blogs. and build my brand), my husbands medical bills ( with a husband with a rare lymphoma , this will be a common occurrence), groceries, and other bills I can not even remember. 

I am constantly stressed out and unhappy over this debt hanging over me. Now I get a call that this loan collection is spreading my debt information to others and asking about my contact information. When was this practice even legal to do? I am so overwhelm. These student loans has destroyed my credit, which may be a factor of me getting a better job. 

I don't know what to do. How can I stay at a job that I hate to pay a debt that seems like it will never going away. I can't afford to leave this job but mentally I can't afford to stay. I do not make enough at this job to pay over $400 a month pay this student loan debt off. I don't have any other debt but this. No credit cards. I am not spending crazy amounts of money. I borwn bag my lunch. When I do it is few and far in between. I even try to help out family memebers with the loose cash that I do have.

 My student loans are killing me.  The worst part about this is that I didn't graduate from college because I had a mental breakdown. I have a debt of almost $70,000 and I don't have a degree to show for it. My PTSD and depression became worst the longer I was in school. I would have anxiety attacks and breakdowns behind closed doors for 4 years. At the begininng of my 4th year, I could take it anymore. I had to leave with my sanity. I also left with a pile of debt. I tried several colleges but none of them work. I did graduate from one place but the degree is not even worth the paper it was written on. 

So now I am stuck. I have a huge student loan debt. I am at a job that is toxic and want to leave. I am trying to build a brand and a business but I can not stay at this job. If I leave this job...which I have a feeling I need to do sooner rather than later, I will be so broke. Broke = not be able to do anything including blogging and working on my craft. 

So what can I  do when this debt is killing my entrepreneurial goals

Joined a new gym, got creeped out, and went back again with backup!

SO I finally joined a gym, after constantly searching for a place to workout and be near by my home. Hooray! I had my husband, Ian Heydecke of Body By Ian  make up a workout plan. My husband came with me to run through the workouts for the week. Well the first and second day went well. The third day was not so good. I was trying to figure out where everything is in the gym when a strange old man came up to me. AT first he was helpful but than he was just plain creepy. He said he was a personal trainer and he could help me with my weight loss journey but the way he approached me made me uncomfortable and a bit scared. It was just weird. He smelled like beer or some type of liquor...it was fucking weird! He was just rude and strange comments while still having the nerve to try to convince me to be one of his clients. 

Like dude you smell like liquor at the gym and you think I will trust you with my health!

Are you for real! Like I was experiencing a really really uncomfortably weird emotions. 

Now I have two side to me. The one side is super nice and open to almost everything and new ideas (within reason). The other side is like the incredible hulk and it takes a damn near earthquake to get me to that level. 

Neither side came out...just tears and a defeated emotion came out. I literally cried when I left the gym. I didn't finish the workout and walked to the bus stop in tears. 

I felt like I was not good enough. I was being judge and I do not even know I was on trial! 

SO I called my husband but he could stop my tear. My husband decided to call the big guns- My Dad! We had a in depth decision and I finally realize that I have a few things I need to work out in regards to my workout and what I really want.

After a day of rest and getting my life and not going back to that gym and going in (a.k.a Going into Hulk Mode!) I brought backup..my husband! 

So far my exercise routine is going fine. I tweeked that to more of a full body workout using more dumbbells, kettlebells, and biking and less using machines....oh and squats! 

Sidenote - Squats are a bitch but my butt is shaping up! 

Hopefully I will not see that weird old man again and if I do...backup is here! 

Only I would join a new gym, get creeped out, and went back again with backup! 

Just MalanB - Soul Saturday "What is my purpose?"

Hello all my Just Malan B readers. 

I know it has been a long time since I have written on JustMalanb but I assure you that I will be posting at least once a week with all my self discovered, need found lessons of life, my journey of reaching my goal weight of 150 pounds, and just living life. 

Today is my very first Soul Saturday post. I actually got the concept from Oprah Winfrey's Super soul Sunday. I believe is just as good of day as any to reflect on life, goals, and challenge. My challenge I am facing today is finding my purpose. I am sure I am not alone in my journey of finding what my grand propose in life is. I am probably one of the few that is setting a deadline in finding it.

You're probably saying "Are you serious you're sitting the deadline for your purpose", Yes I am! We set  deadlines for goals for everyday, so why not set a deadline for a purpose. I mean don't get me wrong I know what I'm good at but I don't know what my purpose in life is. Their is a belief that each person has a purpose, a function that assistant in making the world a better place to live and becoming a better person. So, I decided to find out what my purpose in the arts. Since I was a young girl I've found myself drawn to writing , art and music. I just don't know what which one I should focus on if not all three areas.

My deadline is going to be on my birthday May 2nd.
I think my birthday is the great deadline because it gives me a fresh start on a new career and a new focus on what I have to work towards.

May 2nd = A new age & A new purpose!

62 pounds down and making moves

SO I am still losing weight ...which is great but at a much slower pace. It is a bit frustrating but at least I am still making progress. My main goal is to weight 150 pounds. Right now I am 213 pounds which is huge improvement from 275 but I have a long way to go to hit the 150 pound mark.

In other news:

I am also happy to announce that I am finally moving back to north jersey. After 3 years, my husband and I are finally making the move back to our own place. Now the only issue I have is finding employment closer to my new apartment. For a while, I was looking for a salary job where I use my talents in writing and social media.  Not a easy task since I do not have a bachelors degree. I have tons of experience and college credits, but without a degree, job offers are few. Looks like a piece of paper is the golden ticket to be a staff writer and editor at any major magazine. 

So after some career and soul searching, I decided to concentrate on my own brand.  Though I am looking for a job in fashion to pay the bills but I am no longer looking for a career at any magazine or website. Don't get me wrong, if I get offered a salary job at a magazine or website, I am taking it! I am being realistic, focusing on my brand is a better career move for me in this publishing job market. Gearing my efforts and energy on making moves for Heavy on Fashion, Milan Malan Word on the Street, and Just Malanb is high on my priority list. 

I know this journey of being healthy and fulfilling my dreams will not be a easy one but I am very optimistic that it will be fantastic! 

Workout Wednesday - DVD Yoga is becoming my new BF

I tried many different exercises as of late to assist me in my weightloss journey but nothing has stuck with me thus far except yoga. I tried Tai Chi, which was a experience but not a great one. I loved the Richard Simmons dancing to the oldies but I found myself looking for a bigger challenge. Which is a good thing because it shows that my body is building muscle and growing stronger.

Side Note: If you are looking to start off your weight loss / exercise journey and looking for a low impact exercise program, than please buy Richard Simmons Sweating to the oldies dvd set. I would sugesst buying the box set, that way you can alternate workouts throughout the week and not get bored. It is great.  Richard Simmons Sweating to the oldies dvd set helps you to feel better about yourself both phyiscally and mentally. I loved that I saw people that were my size doing the exercises on the dvd, so I knew that I can do it too. Great Job Richard!

Any who! So I found myself digging through my dvd collection and pulling out my Yoga DVD's.  I tell you I am so happy that I didn't sell those Dvds a few years back. With A.M. & P.M. Yoga - Conditioning For Weight Loss by Gaim, I found myself able to do most of the posture and feeling a real burn. I do the AM yoga in the morning which helps to get my day going. I have to say I love the PM practice because it helps relieve all the stress and worry I have accumulated throught out the day and helps me to focus on what is really important. Oh, and did mention that it is a full workout.  Actually, I am a bit sore today.

Though I am willing to be try a live yoga class in the future, I have to say DVD yoga is becoming my new BF!

Just Malanb Mood Monday: Looking for something new and leaving the old behind

Facing something new is not the always the easiest thing to do. Leaving the past and the drama is even harder but in order for me to truly embrace my talents and fulfill my goals, I know that I cannot be the same person I was yesterday or ten years ago. I can not be sucked into drama and craziness. I can not put all myself into things that will not put me into a place of love, happiness, and success. 

So what do you do when past drama and stupid actions made by people get in the way of looking towards something new? 

I decided to keep on going. There will always be drama, people saying or doing stupid things, and haters. That is the world, it is full of a 85% of wonder and greatness and 15% of just annoyance and b.s! I have to learn to lookfor something new...something great...something of my goals being achieved in the near future and leave the old past, the old drama, the fake people behind.

My new moto - Looking for something new and leaving the old behind

Damn you weight loss plateau...

Hello all my fitness maven,

 When I started my weight loss journey I was 275 pounds. To be honest, I did not realized how bad my health was until I hit the scale. When 275 pounds hit you in the face, you can't deny it. I had to change not just my weight, but my life. At first it started as a fun bet with my husband. Now that the bet is over, and I won with a weight lost of 46 pounds, I want to hit my goal of weighing 150 pounds. Right now, I am 229 pounds. 

Sadly, I have hit my weight loss plateau. This is a pain in the ass! I think I am doing everything right. I tracking what I eat and staying under my calorie intake. So after finding some answers from Google (lol) this is my plan...

1. Switching my workout from Richard Simmons dancing to the oldies to walking in the morning and yoga at night in hopes to speed up my metabolism again
2. Adding Juicing into my food intake (I tested it out and liked it but was not constant with it. This time I will be juicing every morning after walking)
3. Add more fiber  to my diet and consume less bread
4. Look into gyms when I move to my new place so I can maintain my exercise routine 

Hopefully this will work...only time will tell

So mavens, what are your tips when facing a weight loss plateau? 

Relaunch, Renew, Restore Just Malanb

Hello all my JMB Mavens. I am back for the brand new relaunch of Just Malanb. Just Malanb is a full somewhat intense look at my weight loss  journey, my life with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, and other personal events in my life. So lets start at the beginning. Why did I start Just Malanb?

For a long time and many therapy sessions, I was told to journal my thoughts, so why not do it online and get a look on how I am moving towards my goals in my personal life and hopefully help others dealing with these problems too. I am going to talk about my goal to reach 145 pound, living with PTSD and depression, and a look at my real life. I will have photos of just about everything, my food, my life out with the hubby, fitness and nutition, and more! 

Stay Tuned!

Until Next Time

Just Be You

Malanb

Good days and bad days

Having depression, aniexty, and PSTD is full of good days and bad days. Most days I am fine. Going through life like everyone else. Others days are not so good. In the past it was more like a emotional rollercoaster.  When I was good, I was soaring but when I depressed or anxious, all my worries, doubts, and fears rush in like a tidal wave over my senses. In the past, I would run to food and eat all my anger and pain away. (Well that really didn't work too well)  Emotional eating made me a wreck but sadly it became my weapon of choice.  After many years it was my only way of coping with this fury in me. 

 Today, I can not do that. I can't gorge on food. I am no longer looking to food as my refuge from my pain or depression.  Most of the time it was one of the main factors why I was freaking the fuck out. 

Being healthier when it comes to food is making me face my issues. Not really a fun thing to do but it is better to face what making me sad than repeating my old emotional eating cycle.

I know this topic is a bit heavy but This is Just Malanb. It not just about some cool places I attended personally or how many pounds I lost but about what I am learning in this story called life. 

That includes my Good days and my bad. 

Until Next Time

Just Be You

Malanb

My Husband's New Battle with Cancer- CTCL

 My Husband, Ian suffers from a rare cancer called Cutaneous T Cell Lymphoma (Mycosis Fungoides).  My husband has Stage 3 of CTCL. Stage 3 of CTCL is when more than 80% of his skin is cover with patches, plaques, and tumors. My husband briefly talks about his recent diagnoses with CTCL a.k.a Mycosis Fungoides on his blog Body By Ian at http://www.bodybyian.com/2012/08/my-story-ctcl.html 

My husband is in high spirits and constantly working, eating healthy, exercising, but

in order for my husband to afford his 9 medications, travel cost to U Penn, and various doctors visits for numerous treatments, we will need your help. I have put a donation button on all my blogs (Heavy on Fashion, Just Malanb, MalanB Writing Portfolio, and Milan Malan Word on The Street) to help pay for my husband's treatments and travel cost. This is going to be a battle for my husband to beat Cancer but with your help, Ian can win the battle against cancer! 

If you would like to help Ian, please donate today and click the donation button on the right of your screen. I am currently working on a Indiegogo campaign so please keep your eyes out for that. (All donors will receive a personalized thank you note and updates of Ian's progress.) 

M.I.A on Just MalanB (Sorry!)

Hey guys I am so sorry for being MIA on Just Malanb. I recently moved to back to my hometown in a new house, Yay! My macbook is sick! Macbook + apple store repairs = ton of $$$! While I working on my tech issues, head over to my Music and Street fashion blog Milan Malan Word on the Street. I am having a great giveaway from Anything Goes UK apparel company! I am giving away a wonderful graphic tee! 

Check my latest giveaway athttp://milanmalan.blogspot.com/2012/07/milan-malan-word-on-street-fashion.html

Photo courtesy of Anything Goes UK apparel

Don't Worry, Just MalanB will be back before you know it with some great reviews, event coverage, interviews, and videos! Make sure you check out My Twitter account @malanb for the latest updates! 

Eat, Live, Love, Grow 

Malanb

Day 1 - Living a healthier and happier life!

 So I have decided to start focusing on my  my mind, body, and career. 

For My Mind: For over 10 years I suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Anxiety, and Depression. I was going to therapy but I had stop due to financially and personal reasons. Well the good news is that I am back in therapy. With help from my new therapist, I am finding new ways to great through my emotional issues. 

For my Body: I been obese for a while now.  I am aware that my current weight is not good for my health especially with my asthma and allergies. So I am determined and motivated to Live a Healthier Lifestyle. This is not going to be easy for me but Today is the day. Watching how much I eat is key to being a healthier me. I am also starting to be more active in my life. I am starting off today with yoga. Right now I am using Yoga: Just My Size With Megan Garcia. I hope to join a yoga class in the near future.  Practicing yoga, walking, and engaging in new types of activities will help me reach my goal of being a healthier person. 

For my Career: I am a freelance writer and a full time blogger. I usually work from home but it is very hard for me to stay focus on my work when I worrying about what I need to do around the house or receiving calls, emails, and messages while I am working. So starting Monday, the public Library is my new best friend. 5 days week, I will have my nose in my laptop, books, and everything that will help me build my brand and my business.  So I am happy to announce that you will see more from my blogs Heavy on Fashion, Milan Malan Word on The Street, My YouTube channel and of course Just MalanB. I am finally focusing on developing my name, my brand, and my career! 

I am happy that you all will be joining me on this journey to living a healthier and happier life. 

Dance ...always good

This song make me want to get up and dance all day long. Sometimes it is good to let loose and dance whether on the dance floor or in your living room. 

Just be you

A Healthier Me & Book List!

The younger me would wonder how I got to so unhappy. I mean I am not sitting on the couch everyday eating bon bons and ice cream but I am not working out the way I should either.  After some soul searching and my shock when I step on the scale it was time to get it together. I am now back on the fitness track. I am tracking my food intake on my fitnesspal, working out every morning, and reading up on how I can be a healthier and happier me.

So I wanted to share my reading list that is helping me get my body back to where I want it to be and I hope these books can be of help to anyone who is looking to do the same. So far I am 30 pounds lighter. I have 

1. Women's Health Total Fitness Guide 2008 is a essential for learning how to eat right, tone up and losing those pounds. I have the 2008 ( yeah I know a bit old) version but any version will do. If you can only afford 1 book than get this on. 
2. Yoga for Depression By Amy Weintraub - a great book to have anxiety or depression. I found that yoga really help me with my battle with PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder ). 
3. Mega Yoga by Megan Garcia - Are your plus size and want to do yoga than this is the book for you. It also great if you have joint issues. Also get Yoga Just My Size by Megan Garcia DVD too!  
4. Harvey Walden's No Excuses Fitness Workout - So if you were a fan of VH!'s Celebrity Fit Club 

So far I am 30 pounds lighter. I have more to go but right now I am happy to say that I am on the right track! 

Thinking Thursday...Finding Friday

For some reason Thursdays make me reflect on my life. I am not sure why. Maybe it because it is by Friday and the opportunities that the weekend holds. Maybe I got past the hump of Wednesday. Either way Thursdays are my thinking days. I ponder about all the goals I have and need to fulfill.

Just Malanb at Times Square Food Tasting

I was suppose to meet up with a few people but the crowd was so big that I never got to see them. Maybe Next Time ladies. So my husband and I went into the Food Tasting.

Tons of people, food, and some great music. 

SO Cute! 

The Crowds was crazy!! 

This Business man was in love with the Mariachi Band. He knew every song! Very entertaining :)

There was a free Drum Class! SO much fun! My hands hurt afterword.

My husband is chowing down on some BBQ Ribs from Virgil's Barbecue in NYC! 

I had a great time at the Times Square Food Tasting. There was so many people at the Food Fest in New York. You can not go wrong with great food and free music! So when make sure you check out Time Square Food Tasting ...It is worth it.

The Soul Zodiac: Taurus

From one taurus to another - happy birthday

Mid day quote

Happiness isn't a little cake which we can cut up to fill our appetites

-Betty davis as Henriette Deluzy-Desportes

in the movie All This, and Heaven Too (1940)

WHat I am reading ...What is it meaning?

While reading Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged I remember a great speech from movie inspired from Ayn Rand popular book The Fountainhead...so I posted it. Ayn Rand had some good ideal with her philosophy but many are using it to leave others high and dry. SMh!


Reading is fundamental! (Side note- I am not a follower of Ayn Rand at all just like her works of fiction)

Click Click Click ---flash

I love art. Since I was a little girl I was raised around Art. My Sister is an artist, my cousin is a artist, my great aunt is an artist! From Graphic designer , to multi-media artist, to abstract artist....I have seen many ways art can fold, sound, look, and feel!

Though I can draw well, I love photography. I feel in love with a camera in college .... Photography class...Though I was never great with deadline then .... I love that I could capture some strange yet beautiful. I love to see beauty in something ordinary. So I am working on that along with my writing!


So I guess I am becoming a full fledged artist....a full fledged writer....a full fledge person...finally just being me